Shivers

This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, when I should be going to sleep, but I find myself full of frustrated energy so I can't.
I'm getting really tired.. I'm tired of feeling so completely undesirable. Like my touch is the most foul thing on the planet. I miss being touched. Someone reaching out to tousle my hair or touch my arm or my face. Someone to slide up behind me as I'm trying to get to sleep and resting their hands on my back, the warmth of their body reaching out to caress my skin. Someone to genuinely smile at me because they WANT to be with me, not because they feel they have to.
Like I said.. I'm filled with frustration right now, and I don't know where to direct it all. I should sleep.. It's not like anyone is reading this anyway.

Falling again.

It is getting to that time of year again.. When the weather starts to cool, the leaves begin to change color and bring with them the scent and feeling of change. It seems like throughout my life the most important things have always happened around this time. Maybe part of it is that this is always when school started back up for me. The new school year always brought new and interesting possibilities. The influx of people I had never met filled me with the anticipation of experiences I had never felt. I got excited.. I was filled with hope that things could be better.
Since I have graduated this time has still holds  a certain excitement for me. But as all of the changes that have occurred have not been good, I have also learned some apprehension. It has also become a season of thought and introspection. I start to think about all of the good things I have felt over the past few years, as well as thinking of all of the pain that has been inflicted. The hopes that have risen to heights I had never dreamt of, and the depths that have fallen below anything I had imagined. I've fallen in love, I've been dragged through the mud by that same woman. I have been desired and despised. I have been so certain, and utterly confused.
I have been trying to ask myself one of the most important question of my life, " What do I want?" While I feel like I know the answer to that question fairly readily, I had never really entertained any other options before. Now I'm beginning to. I'm trying to plan for any eventuality. It isn't easy. Especially when things seem to be going a certain direction, then suddenly veer off course so drastically it leaves my head spinning. Very difficult to plan ahead that way, or really invest in one course of action.
I have no clue what to do..