It is getting to that time of year again.. When the weather starts to cool, the leaves begin to change color and bring with them the scent and feeling of change. It seems like throughout my life the most important things have always happened around this time. Maybe part of it is that this is always when school started back up for me. The new school year always brought new and interesting possibilities. The influx of people I had never met filled me with the anticipation of experiences I had never felt. I got excited.. I was filled with hope that things could be better.
Since I have graduated this time has still holds a certain excitement for me. But as all of the changes that have occurred have not been good, I have also learned some apprehension. It has also become a season of thought and introspection. I start to think about all of the good things I have felt over the past few years, as well as thinking of all of the pain that has been inflicted. The hopes that have risen to heights I had never dreamt of, and the depths that have fallen below anything I had imagined. I've fallen in love, I've been dragged through the mud by that same woman. I have been desired and despised. I have been so certain, and utterly confused.
I have been trying to ask myself one of the most important question of my life, " What do I want?" While I feel like I know the answer to that question fairly readily, I had never really entertained any other options before. Now I'm beginning to. I'm trying to plan for any eventuality. It isn't easy. Especially when things seem to be going a certain direction, then suddenly veer off course so drastically it leaves my head spinning. Very difficult to plan ahead that way, or really invest in one course of action.
I have no clue what to do..
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